I get nostalgic sometimes. Like everytime I flip through the channels on my retard aquarium and see fat people working out or tards singing. I remember a time when reality TV was pretty much nonexistent and music didn’t all suck taint. The motherfucking 1990’s.
The ’90s were sweet as fuck. Yeah, there was a lot of lame shit, but there was mostly awesome shit. Napster. Gangsta Rap. The OJ chase. Michael Jordan. A balanced federal budget. Clinton getting BJ’s.
But nothing was bigger than AIDS.
AIDS was on top of the world. It had benefit concerts, red carpet premiers with A-list celebrities, music videos, hell it even had cameos on campy sitcoms.
AIDS was a superstar in Hollywood. In 1993, it won the Oscar for best actor for fucking ravaging Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Hanks, one of the greatest actors of our time, was so commited to the role he literally got AIDS in his butt to be more convincing in that role. Tom Hanks is resilient, so just like Magic Johnson he outlived the disease.
Staying true to its avant-garde roots, it reprised its role of butt-ravager in 1995’s Kids. Speaking of which, holy fuck does that movie not age well:
Turns out, people fucking hate art house films. You know what else people hate? Seeing people not die from AIDS. Back to Magic Johnson; the man lived for 20 years with AIDS-in-the-butt. That sure as shit doesn’t sound like a hard-cocked, no-shit-taking terminal disease to me. You know who’s probably most pissed about this? Freddie Mercury. Turns out all he needed to do to beat AIDS was live another couple decades. Idiot.
Once the world observed this pussified behavior, AIDS’ street cred took a major hit. The rich and famous won’t be caught dead around AIDS. Well, maybe if you’re in Africa. Are there rich and famous people in Africa? Not anymore. So AIDS has been relegated to the poor, homeless, and other undesirables.
Did you know you can’t even get an AIDS test anymore? They just base it off your Experian credit report.
Old, penniless and homeless, AIDS’ future looks bleak. It’s leather-faced existence sits idly by while society’s new “it” disease, Breast Cancer, gets all the leading roles and attention. That derivative fucker even stole AIDS’ ribbon schtick. What an asshole.
But look on the bright side, AIDS. Things could be worse. You could be Syria. We’d rather invent all sorts of imaginary problems, like bullying and fat acceptance, than give a crap about those destitute fuckers.