It’s edgy to hate cops. I don’t. Because I don’t break fucking laws. That’s a lie. Public intoxication is the shit.
Realistically, I don’t hate cops because I’m not a teenager or minority. As a white male, I gotta get caught red-handed killing or raping for the police to give two fucks. Meanwhile, a brother can get stopped just for driving through the
wrong right neighborhood. Cops in every galaxy are dicks. Not my problem.
I have no problem with cops. Unless they’re fat cops. Strap a badge on a foodblister and he’ll merely protect and serve by grossing me the fuck out.
Look at this useless weeble wobble:
What if this fucking elephant gets in a shoot out? Who the fuck is gonna miss him? He’s only useful in situations where the criminals are also morbidly bloated slobs. Or in wheelchairs. Or both.
Most police departments have height and weight standards for recruits. But once the academy is over, they are allowed to commence heavy presence patrols at Golden Corral. And in the process, they get fat as all fuck. At least our military enforces weight standards. Well, most of the time.
If someone tries to jack my shit, I’ll feel real safe knowing Jabba here can protect me.
If someone jiggles, they can’t effectively enforce the law. I understand the majority of police work is spent either behind the wheel of a car or at a desk doing reports. But that’s no excuse for them to skip on the cardio and turn into a human cushion.
I blame the media. Movies like Die Hard want us to believe fat-ass Karl Winslow killed Hitler’s superhuman nephew. It was a great day for chubber-lovers but a terrible day for realism in Hollywood.
Behind every hero is a fat piece of shit who’s stockpiling Twinkies. But killing Aryan terminators? This may lead people to believe fat cops aren’t totally fucking useless. That’s the thing about movies: they’re fake as shit. Much like when John McClane jumped on an F35 in Die Hard 4, fat cops providing a valuable service is absurd fiction. Which causes me to do this:
Back to the real world. We need a solution to the obese
law lawls enforcement epidemic. It’s simple: fat cops should act like women and starve themselves. Problem solved.