Unfortunately, 2012 was a banner year for mass murder in ‘Merica. Between the Batman and Sandy Hook killers, we’ve had an overabundance of senseless violence. Killing isn’t even a blip on the media’s radar unless there’s a double digit body count. Like clockwork, the liberal pussies and right-wing ‘Mericans simultaneously call for the elimination/proliferation of guns, leaving the rest of us wondering: what about the fucking tards?
The anti-gun crowd is dumb as fucking dog shit. What if we could go back in time and un-invent modern weaponry? Imagine a world without guns. John Lennon’s corpse just ejaculated on itself. No one in ‘Merica has a gun, no one in ‘Merica can kill a shitfuckton of people really goddamn quick. (Except Timothy McVeigh, or any other mass murdering tard with advanced knowledge of the explosive properties of fertilizer.) But you know what this would take? A FUCKING TIME MACHINE. Now, if I have a Delorean with a Flux-Capacitor I’m taking Grays Sports Almanac back to 1955 and dong slaying hookerskanks on piles of cash. Fuck your gun problems.
Look, there’s like 350,000,000 goddamn guns in this country. They ain’t fucking going anywhere. It’s a you-can’t-put-the-shit-back-in-the-horse situation. You ban them, a blackmarket for guns opens up, and anyone who wants to murder someone can still get them. You know, because they don’t give a fuck about breaking the law.
You know who else is dumb as shit? Dem NRA lovin’ ‘Mericans. Every time I’m surrounded by derelicts in public I’m thankful these fucking ham-and-eggers all don’t have guns. In a perfect world, fuck yes: I’d like every level-headed, responsible, well-adjusted citizen with a strong understanding of the law and no signs of mental illness to be packing at all times. The cops simply can’t be everywhere at once, protecting everyone (mostly ’cause they’re fat as shit).
But it’s not the world we live in. The NRA’s a pile.
Changing gun policies either way simply won’t work. It’s not the guns, it’s the tards. And this country is chock full of ’em.
Some Most people are just born ‘tarded. But not every tard is equally useless or dangerous. Some tards provide valuable entertainment services, like strippers. Other tards commit mass murder. Not to get off track, but it’s important to look at the bright side: you live in ‘Merica. If this were like some less desirable parts of the world, Adam Lanza would have been put into a position of political power.
Shakespeare once wrote “the first thing we do, let’s kill all the tards.” But how do you know which tards to kill? We propose an online quiz. At Pissing Victory, we don’t make quizzes cuz that’s for fucking dorks. But if we did, the results would look like this:
Spoiler alert: later this year, some mass-murderer tard is gonna go on a tardedness-fueled shooting spree. Now that you’ve been told, it’ll still be very sad, but if you’re somehow shocked and say “WAT?! OMG!! I cannut belief dis happenened!!!” you deserve a punch in the goddamn vag.
Tards are like cholesterol. We need more of the good kind, less of the bad kind. Now we just need to round up and kill all the bad kind. With guns.